What if someone could tell you the secret to saying “no” without being a jerk and the secret to pursuing real joy and happiness in your life? These two things alone could make your life easier and richer – but, wait, there’s more! My guest today, Amy E. Smith has unique insight and witty wisdom to help you through some of the rough patches of life and relationships. This is one show you don’t want to pass up!
Amy E. Smith is a Certified Confidence Coach, speaker, and personal empowerment expert. She is the founder of The Joy Junkie. Amy helps people move into a place of radical personal empowerment and self-love. Her focus is on helping people find their voice and she is sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom, and humor. She’s been featured on Fox 5 San Diego and YourTango.com. In this episode, Amy shares her advice on how to have effective conversation even when the stakes are high on a challenging topic, how to say “no” gracefully while honoring your boundaries, and tips on silencing the inner critic as an act of self-love.
Moving across the country
Amy recently moved to Charlotte, NC from CA. The move was part of a 3-4 year plan to save for retirement and have a lower cost of living than in southern CA. She and her husband have loved having the chance to own property and animals and not have constant water restrictions. When they returned to CA for a visit, they noticed how bad the smog and traffic were, along with the endless concrete. Amy quickly longed to return to the peace of her “forest” in NC.
A game-changing moment
Amy’s background is unusual in that she grew up in a very conservative Christian family that was cult-like, dogmatic, and rooted in fear. About the time her father passed away, she was transitioning from makeup artist to personal development speaker, so she did his makeup and spoke at his funeral. On the same day, her mother told her she felt like a failure as a parent because of Amy. This was the beginning of her realization of the ultimatum that was given her and the risk in speaking up for herself, but she did it anyway. This was the impetus for the work she does in helping people stand up for themselves and give merit to the things of importance in their world without being riddled with guilt about what other people think and how they are received.
Speaking up for yourself
You have to give yourself permission to go in and come out the other side. Being able to speak up takes time to master, to control the response, and conduct yourself in a healthy way. Amy E. Smith learned to decline an invitation, spot a guilt trip coming at her, and respond with grace and calmness. The bottom line is that you’ll never get through to people by yelling and screaming.
Becoming The Joy Junkie
Amy explains how she chose the name. All the things we pursue are to give us the feeling that we want – joy. We want to be fulfilled and happy. We have addictions to Netflix, social media, Candy Crush, and so many other things that don’t bring joy. What if we were just as addicted to our joy? “What if we were more acutely focused on retaining our joy and residing in that place?”
Building a business
In the beginning, Amy E. Smith focused on relationships, especially communication in marriage. She became frustrated with that work because she was trying to coach two people through only one partner – and it wasn’t working. She couldn’t effect the change she wanted because there weren’t two people working on the change. She noticed in her work that the people who didn’t speak up or value themselves were the ones who wouldn’t have the tough conversations. In contrast, Amy never had trouble speaking up, because she grew up as the rebellious rule breaker. She made the shift in her business to working with personal empowerment, helping others to find their voice and speak up in the right way.
Learning how to communicate
In Amy’s relationship with her husband, he fostered open communication from the very beginning, and he joins her frequently on the podcast. The key to communication is to know your value. There are times that you have to finesse your way through a conversation. We get triggered by a partner, a family member, or even strangers. Everyone is different in the way they are silenced and afraid to speak up. Usually there is some sort of fear in expressing yourself or the fear that you won’t be valued. Society teaches us that sensitivity and vulnerability are weaknesses, and the solution is for brave leaders to teach us that it’s ok to emote. Amy E. Smith says that we shouldn’t try to muscle through and be a hero.
Re-routing reflexes
When Amy’s response is a debilitating eye-roll, she makes herself stop and figure out what she isn’t hearing or seeing because she’s being judgmental. This technique works well when people are mean, like a server at a restaurant. This response can override someone’s rudeness, but it doesn’t happen automatically or void out the fear and emotions. The trick is to behave in courage and make choices from the empowered version of you and not from the limited version of you.
Effective communication
To be effective, Amy E. Smith says to employ the skill of vulnerability. Our natural inclination is to mirror the energy that’s coming at us, so approach a difficult conversation with vulnerability. An easy way to begin is to express gratitude for the other person and their time. This can work in romantic relationships, business relationships, or with family and friends. Part of this technique requires you to own your part of the problem. Amy says to form what you need in the way of a request.
Identifying trigger points
The easiest way to identify trigger points is to notice what it is that you complain about the most. The problem is that we don’t usually address these matters with the one person who can make a difference, but we go to a best friend to complain. You can tap into emotions and intuition, but sometimes an emotion can be an inaccurate assumption. You can squash those assumptions by being vulnerable and honest. Ask yourself what the facts are and what you’re making up.
Saying No
Saying no can be inflammatory, so we need to say it with grace. Remember that you are responsible for your intention, not your reception. You can have all the skills to function with the utmost grace and kindness and still have people who are upset with you and it may be because they can’t hear you. Again, the key is to respond with vulnerability and gratitude. They might not get it, but you can remain kind. One easy technique when you receive an invitation to do something is to buy yourself some time and not say yes right away. Take the time before you commit and remember that you don’t owe anybody anything.
Don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries
We often misrepresent what’s happening. We think that speaking up equals being an asshole. We feel guilty if we have to say no or be unavailable. Amy E. Smith says to switch the script from saying you feel bad or guilty, and say you feel compassion, empathy, and concern. Amy E. Smith wraps up by explaining how to balance negative feedback and not defaulting to people-pleasing and thinking you have to “fix” everything.
Highlights of the Episode:
- 2:20 – A tipping point for Amy
- 12:26 – Going in and through
- 15:00 – Becoming The Joy Junkie
- 17:51 – Helping other people
- 28:06 – Knowing your value and finessing the conversations
- 35:28 – Why we are expected to be superhuman
- 38:36 – How to handle responses
- 41:47 – Effective communication in a tough conversation
- 47:00 – Figuring out trigger points
- 53:27 – Saying no and declining with grace
- 59:12 – Having boundaries
- 1:01:03 – Handling negative feedback
- 1:07:41 – Fem Five
Resources Mentioned in the Episode:
- Amy’s website: www.thejoyjunkie.com
- Amy on Instagram
- You Are A Badass: Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living and Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
The Fem Five:
1. Favorite book for women?
- You Are A Badass: Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living and Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
2. Favorite self-care hack?
- “To schedule my self-care.”
3. Best piece of advice and who gave it to you?
- “My dad said, ‘The minute you get too big for your britches is the moment you stop learning’.”
4. Female CEO or thought leader you’re into right now?
- Cheryl Strayed from the Dear Sugars podcast
Last Time on The NextFem Podcast
Making Your Business a Profitable Investment, Not a Philanthropic Endeavor – with Nathalie Molina Nino
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